Still Not Cool 11/08/2010
 Do you remember a time when you could drive through and under-pass with your windows down in the summer, without having to worry about a Harley biker revving his engine? Do you remember a simpler time when you can count, on one hand, the number of motorcycle owners is your neighborhood? Do you remember when your friends and family used to get outraged when someone had extra loud exhaust? The good ol’ days right? It feels a little unoriginal to make fun of Harley-Davidson bikers after the South Park episode, “The F Word” did such a thorough job, but I must press on. Things like fanny packs and Crocs didn’t go out of style because of one person making fun of them. It took an applause of facepalms to make them faux pas. So let’s take a look how sub-human Harley riders are, and what we can do to fix the problem. First of all, let me make a distinction. I do not wish that every motorcyclist would die a painful and ironic death, just the ones who piss me off. The ones who piss me off tend to ride Harleys. Why? Mostly because they’re loud as fuck. As a guitar player, I have no problem with loud, but there’s a difference between healthy loud, and loud as outlet for your erectile dysfunction. Ninjas (crotch rockets or whatever they’re called) get loud when they go fast, which is understandable. Harleys, however, are loud the moment your crank them up. Before I get carried away pointing out how insanely retarded it is to own a bike solely because it’s loud, why is a crotch rocket called a crotch rocket? I would argue that name is much better suited for a Harley. When you present your cock to someone, the usual stance is to thrust your pelvis forward, and flex in some way. The only way to ride a Harley is to be in this pose, and let your manhood live vicariously though the bike. Crotch rockets make you lean forward with your arms outstretched, almost like superman.  Unfortunately, one of my friends recently purchased a one-man-fag-train (that’s what they’ll be referred to the rest of this essay because I can’t keep typing Harley without my blood boiling). According to him, the manufactures of the one-man-fag-train recommend getting the loudest exhaust possible so people on the road are aware of your presence. I’ll give you a minute to take that in. ...The reason why they are so obnoxiously loud is for safety reasons. Safety. Safety!? Does that not render all your street cred as a bad-ass, who doesn’t care what the rest of the thinks of you, invalid? Do they give you a lower insurance rate for having a, “more engaging” exhaust system? Out of all the reasons to have loud exhaust, that is the gayest. That’s so gay they may as well start putting decorative tassels on their bikes. Oh wait! They do!  Admittedly, I’m in a better mood demonstrating how much of a punchline these guys are. I know it’s temporary though. I’ll eventually have to drive under a bridge with my windows open, and so will you America (not the “fuck you” America, but the America that reads all the way to this line.) So how do we do protect our delicate ears from this most frequent nightmare scenario? Well, next time someone you know is interested in buying a bike, tell them all the reasons why Hello Kitty is so much cooler. It shouldn’t be hard. CommentsTue, 09 Nov 2010 1:31:41 pm Love the post...Although...I have to admit I am a reformed biker. Perhaps I can be your poster child for people who saw the light, and started driving things with mufflers :) Fri, 19 Nov 2010 8:22:00 am I may take you up on that offer and stage an intervention for my friend. Leave a Reply | ArchivesNovember 2010 Poleethman |
RSS Feed